it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
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how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
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Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
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