P.S. I can't hear my feet
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
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