I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
