I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
