At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
