I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
