This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
