I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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