I think I am morally bankrupt
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
