I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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