More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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