There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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