Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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