Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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