Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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