someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I have tasted many bathrooms
Randomize
