Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
