Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
