at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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