he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
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