shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
problem. drunk. stepbrother hitting on me again. help.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Randomize
