nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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