dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
