i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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