Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
