Who did Billy Mays play for?
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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