Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
