Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
