please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
