Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
