Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
