operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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