I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
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