capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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