Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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