im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
