She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
