Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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