I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Randomize
