I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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