i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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