Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Randomize
