My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
