my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
