Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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