I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Randomize
