Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
people are starting to question the shark bite story
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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