i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
