just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
