I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
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dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
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I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend