she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
