none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
